Giving with the Heart: Balancing Love and Duty in the Family

Giving with the Heart: Balancing Love and Duty in the Family A Small Experience

Every Thursday evening, my phone rings. "Hello, Mom," I say, having memorized this ritual. Mom's voice on the other end is always cheerful, though sometimes it sounds tired. We have long conversations: about the rising price of rice, Mom's cough that often comes at night, and the nephew who came back with good grades.

In the end, I always say, "I'll send rice and electricity tokens later, okay, Mom." Mom just laughs quietly, but I know she's happy. That was our habit for years, until five years ago, the phone stopped working.

My mom went to join my dad one day after calling me, following my suffering from the fierce Delta variant of COVID at that time. My mom did not pass away in a severe illness, she only complained of shortness of breath, and within half an hour she was gone forever. I couldn't come back to embrace and bury my mother for the last time because there was a COVID period that banned all citizens from traveling.

After mom left early in the morning on February 2, 2020, I realized that giving is not just about money, but about the heart, small attention, even just a hello via phone. This late realization has become a natural refrain experienced by almost everyone.

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Long before getting married, the way I gave to my parents was not in money. But through the books I wrote. I sent 100 copies to my late father. My father would proudly sell these books to his former students and fellow teachers with pride. Yes, with this simple way, I wanted to make up for my father's delayed pride because I chose not to become a priest or Catholic pastor. I wanted to give my father a sense of pride when offering the book, "This is a book written by our child." In those words, there was his pride as a father, especially in a predominantly Catholic community where a child failing to become a priest was considered somewhat of a "shame."

From 100 books per title (some titles I wrote before 2007), you can buy a generator and electrical tools. I never asked you to send me the sales results of those books. I took a loan from the publisher and paid it back with my salary or work bonuses. This is a simple way to show care for parents: giving them a sense of pride, comfort, and small attention.

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For me personally, and perhaps for many people, this is a meaningful routine, a ritual that shows love for parents. But when someone gets married and builds a new family, giving becomes more complicated. It's no longer just about the heart, but also about balance, communication, and wisdom.

Supporting parents is often seen as a moral duty, even as an unspoken language of love. However, amid the responsibilities of being a partner or a parent, a dilemma arises: how to meet the needs of the extended family without sacrificing the nuclear family? Many people face this situation.

Some feel they must give more because their parents are sick, some are pressured because their partner does not support them, and others feel guilty because their children's needs are neglected. Then, how can one still be filial, fair, and maintain family harmony? Here are some ways that can serve as guidance.

Start from Communication, Not from the Wallet

Conflict about giving money often arises not because of the amount of money, but due to a lack of communication. Before getting married, couples may have agreed, "We will help our parents, right?" But what does "help" mean? How much is it? How often? Without clarity, this agreement can become a source of problems.

Try sitting together with your partner and having an open conversation. Ask, "What are your concerns if we help your parents more?" The answer might be, "I'm worried about the children's savings," or "I'm concerned about unexpected needs." Listen. Then, share your own concerns: "I'm afraid I'll regret it if my parents need something but I didn't help." From there, make a concrete agreement, for example, setting aside 10% of your income for the extended family, divided equally between both sides. If there are urgent needs, discuss again. Honest communication is the foundation of balance.

Adil Does Not Mean Equal

Giving to parents is not about dividing exactly the same amount between both sides. Family situations can be very different. For example, if one parent has retired and is in poor health, while the other side is still working and independent, it is reasonable to adjust the support according to needs. The important thing is that the couple feels valued and heard.

For example, helping in-laws by paying their electricity bills during the Eid festival or helping with the tuition fees of a sibling-in-law can be ways to show care without taking sides. Fairness is about understanding each person's needs, not about having uniform numbers.

Love is More Than Money

An article in The Atlantic once wrote that adult children owe their parents more than just money. Time, attention, and presence are often far more meaningful. Many parents are happier when their children come over, sit together, listen to childhood stories, or just take a morning walk around the neighborhood, rather than just receiving a transfer without conversation.

If the partner feels uneasy about the amount of financial assistance, offer alternatives. "How about we visit more often? Or help them handle their BPJS documents?" Simple actions like these can alleviate the financial burden while showing genuine care.

Wisdom in Respecting Parents

In Catholic teaching, the commandment "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12) is a sacred call. However, for those who are married, this commandment must be lived with balance. Ephesians 5:25 reminds husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Pope Francis, in Amoris Laetitia, emphasized that love must be guided by wisdom, not neglecting parents, but also not sacrificing the immediate family.

Supporting parents should be according to one's ability, without neglecting the needs of children or the spouse. For example, if there is an urgent need such as a family surgery cost, discuss it with your spouse. Even, involve the parents in the conversation if necessary. Sometimes, empathy is created when all parties listen to each other. A good child respects parents through prayers, visits, and help, but a wise partner ensures that the core family remains protected.

Closing: Giving with Love, Protecting with the Heart

Giving to parents is about feelings, gratitude, thanks, and the desire to repay an immeasurable favor. But when one has a family, giving must be accompanied by wisdom. Open communication, fair agreements, and sincere actions are the keys.

In the end, what is remembered is not the amount of money in the account, but small moments: a phone call in the afternoon, a conversation while drinking coffee, or a simple hug while saying, "Thank you, Mom, Dad." That is the language of love that cannot be bought, it can only be given with the heart.